Parenting Guilt

There have been numerous times that I allow parenting guilt to take over. No one ever knows the right "things" to do. You just evaluate the options and decide what might be best. Truth is- you don't always know what that best is. We have been in our fair share of decision-making and we just hope and pray that we have chosen the right thing- the right path. When Bryce was three days old we were given the choice to let him "go" and we always knew we made the right decision. At the same time I wondered what we had chosen for Bryce. Then again we knew all along that wasn't a choice at all.  A few months later we were given another choice. 

Bryce's first shunt placement surgery went terribly wrong. The surgery itself was successful but when they were closing they removed the ioband which ripped his premmie skin exposing the shunt. A few days later the neurosurgeon let us decide what to do. The option was to move the shunt away from that area or to externalize him. By externalizing it would mean the shunt tubes coming out of his head so that if infection set in the hardware would not be directly infected. However if the shunt was moved and infection would appear then we would have no choice but to externalize (causing two more additional surgeries). We decided to take the chance and try to limit the number if surgeries. A few weeks later infection did set in. We made the wrong choice. We created the need for the third surgery. I can't tell you how heartbreaking that was for us. 

We did the same thing with Bryce's SDR- not knowing for sure what might happen. Unfortunately there isn't a manual out there to help guide you. There have been so many decisions that we have made and we just hope and pray that they have been the right ones.

Therapies for example... We have chosen our fair share but I would be lying if I said that I don't look back and wonder if things would have been better had we taken a different approach. Parenting guilt at its finest. 

We have also made a list of things that we would do- check them off as we go.

This list sits on my counter. The problem with it is that it cannot come up and slap you in the face so that you remember that it is there. Then one day you stare at it. There goes the parenting guilt again.

We go through phases knowing ( at least hoping) we are doing the best that we can. Many people praise us for the way we are with Bryce. Truth is (most people) would do whatever they can for their kids. Most people go through some form of parenting guilt. It's hard and it takes constant work.

I just hope and pray that we are doing all that we can for Bryce but that parenting guilt can strike at any moment. As much as I try to not to let it in it always finds its way back.