For the First Time

The boys had never been to the ocean, they had never seen the waves or the sand. (What better time to let them experience the beach than for their 5th Birthday?) Matt and I were standing with them at the edge right where the waves break. It was early evening and there the four of us stood. The boys' faces were filled with excitement feeling the coolness of the water and the sand being pulled all around their feet as the waves rolled back in. I closed my eyes for just a moment – time seemed to stop. I had been to the ocean many times before, but I was feeling it all for the first time years later. After all that we had been through and knowing all that we would face, in that moment we were a family of four loving every minute together. We were thousands of miles from home on our first family vacation celebrating two little miracles turning 5 years old. I once thought (and even said) that we would always be back and forth to Children's. It is hard to imagine just how far each one of us has come.

One of the greatest lessons I have learned while on this journey, is that the little things really are the big things. I have learned that we take way too much for granted. Our lives are too busy to appreciate the beauty around us.  The first three years we had the boys I was so focused on what our future might hold, what should we do, which therapy would be best… You can’t imagine where my mind would take me – it wasn’t the happiest of places to be. Then one day I just stopped, I am not sure why or when it happened but suddenly I let it go. The movie, Frozen wasn’t around at that time so I can’t contribute it to that song.

It was a huge step for me as I have always been such a worrier. I cannot say that I still don’t have days that I drift to those thoughts. But I can honestly say now that I do not let myself “go there” as often. Life is so much better when actually start allowing ourselves to enjoy it. We have fun – We play – We dance –We act silly. As I have gotten older I realize more and more that this isn’t something that most can say. Maybe you have been to the ocean with the sand between your toes – but have you ever really felt it? Have you ever stood outside and just closed your eyes to breathe all of it in?

I look at these two precious boys and I know that we are so blessed to have each other. For a very long time there was a lot of…  Why him? Why me? Why us? This is not fair? After all we had been through. The days and days of hospital bed rest. The complications, one problem after another – from sepsis to contractions to all of the unimaginable tests; when we did all that we could. WHY?

 It would be a lie to say that my mind never goes there anymore. It would be so easy to be bitter, lay blame and throw my hands up. But then I see these two perfect faces that make me a Mom and I know that it was all so worth it. You see that million dollar smile and you know that you have been so blessed. That smile is not forced - it is not fake. That smile is nothing but complete happiness… and after all – that is all we have ever wanted. Who could have known that we would end up so happy in return and so changed in a way that can make you feel untouchable. Our definition of happy has truly taken on a whole new meaning. My life is forever changed and as hard as it gets at times, I know that I have been given a great gift (more than one actually). I can tell now that all that I have been through all throughout my life was molding me for being a Mom to Cohen and Bryce. There is absolutely nothing in this world that I wouldn’t do for them. Absolutely Nothing! And their Daddy - he would do absolutely anything for them too! We are all so very lucky!