I have always been one to worry. Before the boys became part of our lives I worried about school, work, money... From the time that I was 12 weeks pregnant I worried, with good reason of course. I spent 54 days in the hospital trying to "stay" pregnant and every single day I worried. Then the boys came.... and the worrying continued. Would they make it? How many more surgeries will Bryce need? Will Cohen ever stop being my breath-holder (he always turned himself blue and bought more weeks in the hospital)? Would Bryce ever come home? Would Bryce ever stay home?
Once we got home and started adjusting to life outside of the hospital the worry shifted again...
Will we ever get Bryce to eat? Will he ever walk? Talk? Will he be bullied in school? Will we be able to show Cohen enough love and attention so that he doesn't feel neglected?
This continued -- the worry never went away and about the time you would end a worry over one thing you were shifting it on to the next. This has been my life. I have been totally focused on the "what ifs" and questioning the future that I have not been able to enjoy life. Sure we enjoyed moments and made memories but most of my time has been spent worrying. As a parent - making endless appointments, researching alternative therapies, supplements, being your child's advocate takes up lots of time (especially when you are trying to work 40 hours a week).
Since Bryce has had SDR (and of course the fact that he is doing AWESOME) has helped me to sit back and really take a look at how far we have come. I used to spend my time so focused on what might happen or what the future holds that I wasn't enjoying the NOW. Funny that it has taken me 4 years to change my thinking. Right now is what counts! I honestly am so happy with seeing Bryce feel comfortable that if we gain nothing more from this surgery I would consider it a success. If he would walk, crawl or sit up on his own - that will be a dream come true... but it has been GREAT to see him just sit comfortably in a chair. Simple things really are the big things. I am ready to not focus on what might or might not happen - because I have honestly missed out on a lot of good things happening right now. It was hard getting myself to this point and I am sure there will be times that worry will take over again but for now.... that worry will no longer take control. It is time to sit back - relax and just make great memories.
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain."
I can relate completely to your worry. It is not easy being a mom and certainly not easy being a mom to a special needs child. I just have gotten to a place where I have stopped worrying and now need to focus on fun and life. Kudos to you for getting there it is a tough road.
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